I am the grand prize winner of: Gallstones.

Yes, ultrasound confirmed yesterday.  I have gallstones.

I'm going to have to be very careful about what I eat until surgery.

Not that this will do me any had, fat is the major componenet of most of the food that I eat and that needed to change anyway.

Also, fasting all day reminded me that ACTUAL hunger, is not something that I've been letting myself feel very often.... and she wonders why she is stuck in th 240's.

Anyway,that is all.  Mystery solved - thankfully. Silver lining - eating better is starting today!!   No more nightly ice cream (yes..that was happening!! not much ice cream, but it was 6/7nights a week).

The real sad is that I can't have eggs!!!!! 

ask and yee shall....

be given notice that you are now fasting for an ultrasound or this afternoon to look at your gallbladder.

Eating out of control - sure is
Told not t at all day... weeee!

Still, its good for me to remember what hunger feels like again.  Also, the pain of the other thing is really taking the forefront.

Wednesday Workout and Gallstones?

My eating has been shit still.  Off and on - is more accurate I guess.  The afternoons at the office are out of control, so I have to rein that in somehow.

Weights last night
10min bike
jogged over

Goblet Squats
30lb kettle bell x 2 sets x 8 reps

Dead lifts
35 x 2 sets x 6 reps

Dumbbell bench press
30lb dumbell (in each hand)  3 sets x 5 reps

walked home
light stretching
rolled out

I did NOT sleep well last night.  I finally fell asleep around midnight, then woke up with gut pain at 2am.  Lay in bed breathing and worrying.  I think its gallstones, but I don't know for sure. 

right side - bloated, painful to the touch, to lay on to move around.  :(

I had eaten my dinner early (scrabled eggs and toast) and had a small chocolate flourless cake slice when I got back from the gym, so I know my stoumach was empty...

Got up, had some water, peed, number 2 as well.... took some gas-ex went back to bed and felt slightly better. Got some restless sleep - up at 5:50am.  Its going to be a long day.  

On waking up, I feel ... uncomfortable still.   Took the pepermint pills and milk thistle that is reccomended fo gallstones.  I'm not SO uncomfortable that I stayed home, but I don't feel awesome, that is for sure.

Damn it.  I hate these feeling, they always scare me into worrying MORE.  I also don't know if it would be them. I've not been rapidly losing weight anymore, but I guess they could have developedearlier and are manifesting now?   Blarg.

Anyway - keeping a pain spreadsheet on the half-hour to check myself and see how its going.
 

Monday Squats and Stuff

Monday was weights day!  

7min warm up be
5min jog

Squats (everything in lbs).
45 x 6
45 x 5
warm up
100 x 5
100 x 5
100 x 5
Moved up into the triple digits for my squat. SO pleased. 

Push Press
45 x 4
65 x 3
95 x 3
95 x 3

stretching, rolling and not surprisingly, I slept quite well last night. Phew, my sleep has been ballz lately.

All in all a good night.

Proteins!

Ahh yes, I had forgotten how filling the proteins are when you eat them first.

Just finished the chicken portion of my lunch, about 4oz if breast meat grilled stove top yesterday with some Montreal Steak Spice.  YUM!   And... wow... I'm pretty full already.  The rest of my lunch is what I would have eaten in total, but that isn't going to happen today.

I would take a picture, but I forgot my phone at home today - which is also ballz because I wanted to track everyone on my ap, but I'll just have to keep track and fill it all in later.

Behaviors

Getting over the blahs and getting preped for the week ahead.

Water is a big problem, I'm sure that this is the majority of the issues, so I'm going to keep working on it. 

Got more proteins today as well, pre cooked some chicken breasts. Cut up in containers and ready to rock! 

AGGGG

eating eating eaing eating.....

this last two days have been hell.  Actually - this whole week has been terrible.  Horrible. Brutal on all fronts.

:(

This weekend - cracking down.

Pity Party almost over.

Monday off

Off from work today. I have a lot of yard work to do, so I'm going to be tired tonight!! 

Progress is happening, I'm feeling good. Planning for food is happening. 

Small slip: Last night I finished grocery shopping and bought a king size bag of mini reases pb cups. I was eating a hand full and knew I had to stop. I opened up the car window and dumped the bag out.  Littering isn't great,(I kept the bag, just does the chocolate) but there will be some happy squirrels. 

Weights continue!

Wednesday Deadlifts and shenanigans.

15min warm up on the bike (just over 2 miles rode)
5min walk to the gym

dynamic warm up/stretches

Gobblet squats
30lb kettle bell - 2 x8 reps

Deadlift
145 x 4
185 x 4

Push press
45 x 5
45 x 5
45 x 5
95 x 2
95 x 2

Planks
30sec x 1

Walk home
roll out
sleep like a baby!

Weight is down a little today - 241.8.  I'm trying to not spaz about it all the time, but that is hard.  I do have to just keep on the scale - every day.  Every single freaken day.  This is my life now, I know that when I stop looking, the fat wins.

So, more water today (again), keep tracking food - which has been going well with the ap, and mindflness.  Don't eat all the things all the time.

bouncing

My weight is up again this morning.  While I was showering, (and up until I started this post ) I'm feeling like unless I eat less than a grand of calories  day I won't lose any more weight.

I think that I'm thinking this because its something that I can blame for non-success.

Last night I "binged" on 3 baggies of skinny cow chocolate clusters - I knew that I would do that as soon as I saw them in the store and put them in the cart. (450cal)

Then I had a mini Haagen-dazs ice cream at 9pm. (310cal).

I have not slept well in three days
I have not had good amounts of water over the last 2 weeks.

but yeah.. its me. I'm a "special snowflake" excuse coming through again.

What I have is a food amnesia that is monumental, and I just have to keep plugging away at it.  Keep working at it, keep working at it, keep working at it.  

Do not give up.

Monday Squats and Such

I'm not back into the 230's yet, but I AM sticking to my exercise.

10min bike warm up
5min walk to gym
dynamic stretching

Squats (lbs x reps at that weight)
45 x 6
65 x 5
95 x 5
95 x 5
95 x 5

Bench Press
45 x 5
65 x 5
105 x 3
105 x 3
105 x 3
105 x 3
105 x 3

No abs, those thats 5 sets of 3 were hard enough!! 

Walked home
rolled out
ate a snack
watched Top Gear

I started to feel the begining of a UTI last night, so I popped over to the walgreens and got some cranberry pills. Think that took care of it - as I feel better this morning!!

Goal today - more water!

Quiet weekend

Saturday morning I had another stuck/sick episode, which I should have guessed, since that is typically how it goes. 

The bad is that it's hard on the body... The good is that it's a wake up call for the mind. 

I forget to follow the rules

I forget that I don't NEED all the foods in the worlllllddddddd. 

 Time to get mindful again. 

Stuck and better

So, I got stuck yesterday on my lunch, which was a convergence of every horrible eating habit that I'm NOT supposed to do, so really, no surprise. 

Ate too fast

Didn't chew enough

Too greasy

Mindless eating

Too much volume

That would do it. Chicken fingers and fries. Amazing how good they taste going down and how horrible coming back. Blah. 

So I ended up only eating around 1000 calories yesterday. Today I'm back down to 241.6. 

Lesson learned? Maybe, ok now I'm a work in progress mentally. So I'm not going to think this wont happen again, but I like to make sure that I write it down. :)

Note to self:

2hrs barfing

Stomach sore - 2 days approx

Friday Sniveling

welp, I'm UP again tody to 243.6lbs.

I'm not happy.

I KNOW that I'm not getting enough water and that is the main issue.  I'm also snacking too much and th new exersize is making me retain water in all my newly sore muscles... but it FUCKING SUCKS.

/rant end

going to fill up my waterbottle.

NSV

I have a couple NSV that I need to put down - these aren't just NSV ....they are something more. 

I don't know what to call them, but its pretty awesome.  Cycle-breaks maybe?

Monday and Tuesday my boss asked me to go and get him lunch, this happens on and off and I don't mind, except in past it was also an excuse to get myself a "little something extra" while I did it. A perk, one I might have in past called it.

His standard:
turkey sammich
chips
diet coke
cookie

My (used to be) Perk:
chips
diet coke
cookie

These last two days getting his lunch - I didn't get myself anything. I thought about it - but I didn't grab anything extra at the last minute for myself.  Very Proud.

Also this morning I had to set up breakfast treats for a morning meeting.   I would have typically done it about 15min before the meeting started, so that I could have taken a muffin for myself without anyone seeing - NOT that they would care, I am welcome to a muffin - but I never want to be seen taking food (fat girl thing...you know).

But I don't need a muffin, and I waited until 5min before - and the whole way up I tought about taking one. I thought about it while I was setting out hte napkins, while I was taking the box lids off.... I ate a strawberry and left.

HURRAY!

Wednesday Weights

Phew! I'm sore!

10min bike warm up
5min walk to the gym

Hack Squats
30lbs Kettle Bell
2 x 8

Dead Lifts
140 x 5
155 x 5

Push Press
45 x 5
95 x 2
95 x 2

Done!   Short and sweet and hard.  Setting up for Saturday mornings farmers walks and Dead lifts. 

Weight is still up this morning, but yesterday was a terrible water day. Terrible.  Got to get on more water. 

Same goal different day!

Direction

My weight is up a pound this morning - 242.8

I know that this is not an indication of my diet, more likely my water and that my period started.

I'm tracking, I'm watching my snacks, I'm exercising.  Its the right direction and I have to remind myself that progress never happens in a snap. Its work.  I'm keeping at it.

:)

PSA to self done. back to work!

Tuesdays Magic

Water!

WATER!

WAAAATTTERRRR!!!! 

Yesterday I was LOW on water, today I'm sore from my walking and workout and I know I NEED water.

Going to fill up the bottle now, and go eat my breakfast!!  (2 HB eggs, and a slice of chedder!).

YUMMMMMMMM

UPDATE:   Managed to get through more than 1L and I still have an hour here to go.  YAY!  thats 3x as much as yesterday and half as much as I should have.  ;)

Squats and such Monday

After a slight eating fail today, I still came in under my calories for the day & got in my protein (so not a disaster), I had my Monday workout.

Our office is currently in transition and I was over to the new building twice today (computer issues, so nice of them to move it services first...). About 7 blocks each way, power walked of course.

After work I warmed up onthebike for 10 min then jogged over 2 blocks to my buddy's house to workout in his home gym.

Squats
1 x 6 - bar (45lbs).
3 x 5 - 65lbs

Bench press
1 x 6 - bar
1 x 3 - 65
3 x 5 - 97lbs

2 x 30sec planks.

Jogged home and rolled out, but not enough.... I'm sore already!

trying

Failing a little - this damn chocolate. I'm coming in early tomorrow and throwing it all away.  TRASH BIN!

I've done a good job not going too crazy, but I've had too much.

Gym night tonight and (thankfully) I've done a LOT of walking at the office today.  Help negate, but not really.

*Sigh*

Toehold

A weeks worth of effort and I've knocked off half the gain I put on.

Lesson: mindless eating is bad.

Not something that I didn't know, but still... I'm slow I guess!  The new ap (myfitnesspal - free!!) is amazing. Easy to put in foods and I love scanning the barcodes. It's been a major factor keeping me in line this weekend and in the moment! 

Also eating HIGH protein breakfasts. This is a key for me!  Speaking of, it's grocery day And I need to get on my list and get at it. Sunday nights is lunchbox night and I do need to give the dog a bath today as well.  Laundry is on and coffee has been drank. Feeling pretty good for 9am already and I'm still in my pj's. :)

Trigger Behaviors - Hoarding & Guarding

I have this thing...

This thing that I feel where there is highly desirable food around me. 

This picture pretty much sums it up.

GET AWAY FROM MY CHOCOLATES!!!!!!!

The boss has put out a box of very nice chocolates on a table out in front of my desk area. 

People are coming out of the woodwork for free chocolate and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM wants to mention it to me.

• Oh - chocolates, yes please!
• Back again for a couple more!
• Just one more!
• Oh these should do me!
• I love chocolates!
• Ohh See's - these are the best!

I've already had 4. I didn't even need one.  But for each person that comes over I have this overwhelming anger over them eating this candy.

Like - Its MINE and I don't want YOU to have any. I feel the urge to go over there and eat as much of it as possible.

I know that this is a problem, I don't need chocolates. I had some - they were nice - they were allowable in my calories today.

So I thought that instead of getting up and eating more chocolates - I would write this post and  breathe deeply.

Its candy. 
I don't have to guard it.
I can have more whenever I want. I can enjoy some chocolate, but don't need it all the time.  
Everyone is welcome to have it.
Its better them than me.

Moving Along

Thursday and Friday are my "rest" days, but I'm still sore from my workouts - so all is good! haha!

Saturday morning I have my farmers walk and deadlift session to look forward to. 

Weight was down again this morning - .6lbs. I think half of that was the hair that I had cut off last night.  

OMG what a disaster. I might as well be running behind a knight asking to hold his sword.  :(   I'm going to have to wait a couple of weeks now - she cut it so short that there is nothing that I'll be able to do for at least 2 weeks.   

I have already booked in with another hairdresser reccomended by a friend.  Sweet gawds.   All I have to ay is thank goodness that I don't have any corporate events until the end of Feb  it might be passible by then.

*sigh*

I am LOVING my hard boiled egg & cheese mornings.  They are really helping out - getting in that much protein and that little sugar/carbs has shown a marked decrease in my carb cravings. Thank you Sheila!!!!!!  That was a blog post that made a difference!

Yesterday I did have 2 diet cokes - I figured that it was better to drink them than eat chocolates.  That is a lot more Diet Coke than usual, but its progress from 600+ calories in candy a day.  So I'll take the baby steps.

Calories yesterday - 1,730
Proteins - 96

I'm pleased!

December 2013 Monthly Review & Year Wrap up

So Long 2013.   What a year!!

December by the numbers:

Dec 1 - 240.6

Dec 2 - 239.8
Dec 3 - 240.2
Dec 4 - 241.0
Dec 9 - 241.6
Dec 10 - 241.2
Dec 11 - 242.6
Dec 12 - 242.8
Dec 13 - 241.6
Dec 16 - 243.6
Dec 17 - 242.0
Dec 18 - 242.8
Dec 19 - 243
Dec 20 - 243.2
Dec 21 - 243.6
Dec 22 - 242.8
Dec 23 - 242.6
Dec 24 - 242.6
Dec 25 - 241.6
Dec 26 - 241.0
Dec 27 - 241.0
Dec 28 - 242.6
Dec 30 - 242.6
Dec 31 - 243.0
 
Month Pounds: +1.4
Total Pounds Lost:  58

There is a lot of negative things that I could say about this last month. Another gain, Another "failure". But… the reality is – that this is life. It creeps up on me, and I let stress take over and ruin my good habits.  I wish that I had better powers over my craving and food seeking behaviors, but they are things that I can work on, and will/do.  But all in all.  I'm stll over 50lbs down from my sugery weight. 

 

I live a very different life now. A better life. A more controled and happier life. I don't weaze, I don't worry about sitting in a booth. My seatbelt is not at max capasity. I no longer don't do things because I don't want people to see how fat I am.  I don't pee when I sneeze.  I don't worry about flying. I don't worry about walking far. Its been amazing. Life changing.

Actually, let’s focus there for a moment:

I still eat to be super full.  Now the sleeve does help – I cannot eat to a volumes I used to – but it cannot stop me from grazing ALL the time.  Nor can it be held responsible for chocolates, muffins, candy and soda.  Yes kids… this is what I’ve been snacking on.  The hand that feeds me is mine.  I am doing the picking.

The reality is that I overeat still. I have not been tracking my food and I have been eating too many sugars.

The good is – that I know.  I see. I am trying.   I’ve added exercise back into my life and last night I put the “myfitnesspal” ap on my phone (its FREE!!!!) – which is going to do a much better, faster and more awesome job of helping me track my food.  I’m really pleased, and should you want to be my “pal” on there, my user name is Tamzin1974.

This ap lets me scan the barcode of foods and add it in. does NOT get much easier than that.  Plus, it holds your favorite foods so you can quickly select them.  SO MUCH EASIER than my spreadsheets.  Done and Done.  Tracking is happening again (thank you technology!) and fitness is coming back.

 

I spend a good 30min last night scanning barcodes of all my foods in my fridge and pantry  to watch it work. Very impressive!!

 

I have weights 3x a week. I do a cardio warm up before weights, and planning a long Sunday walk with the dog.  I've also been getting on the yard work (raking, digging out the pond, etc.). 

The third factor in this is water.  Which I struggle with … always have.   So I am going to be working on that too. I want to see 210lbs before my 40th Birthday (End of July).  That is 4.2lbs a month for 7 months.  Which is a tall order, but I am going to aim for it.  

I still have to stand by my surgery. I am still so happy that I made that decision. It has really changed my life for the better. I made weight loss attainable, but not easy. I still have to do the work.  

So there you go.   2013 wrap up is going to be short and sweet.  The focus of 2014 is going to be seeing myself differently. 

Happy new year!

All my weight track and graphs are on the office computer, So I'll have to do my wrapup on Thursday. 

My weight was up again this morning to 244.4. I'm trying really hard not to be very upset about it. I know that I'm to blame, but it's hard number for me to look at. 

Many many many thoughts of failure and defeat are swirling around. So I have some work to do in 2014 - That much is clear. 

I suppose the best advice is: start as you mean to go on