Stay the Course

This is the first real mental plateau that I feel I've hit. 

The first big push of weight loss has been great. I was taking pictures, seeing the shrinking, watching my clothes get bigger on me, feeling the tight clothes get loose, feeling the loose clothes fall off. I see the numbers change - I make the charts, the graphs, the lists.

The difference in the last few weeks, I think, is that I've been moving into smaller clothes.

I'm out of the bigger jeans (L@ne Bryant 20's) and into the smaller L*z Clayb0rn and C0ldwater Creek 20's (LB always oversizes their clothes). I bought 2 pair of new work pants this weekend - 18s (LB) a couple new tops (18/20), a 14/16 elastic waist skirt.  I also had to get some 14/16 undies, as my 18/20's were falling off.  I went to put on my pants this morning for work and looked at the waistband.  "Impossibly small, no way these are going to do up", but they did.

...get to the point girl...

So I think that what I'm seeing (or rather FEELING) is tighter clothes again. Everything is more restrictive and showing the lumps.  I'm getting that "feeling"... I'm fat, I'm gross, all my bits are sticking out so far.  There has been a significant amount of negative self talk going on inside my head.

FACT: have hit an all new low of 259.8 
FACT: I'm down 3 pant sizes and 2 top sizes
FACT: I moved down a bra size
FACT: I feel better and sleep better and look better

Despite all these facts, I've been plagued with scale-fear. This morning I just KNEW that I would be back up to 265.  Didn't happen.   The fat-talk, the scale-fear, the negativeness, the self-loathing, the you can't do it's, the you're-going-to-fails.  Pinching, prodding, tisking in the mirror. All this BS is back in my head.  I might as well be over 300 again with all the hate I have going on right now.

I spent some time out with some very slim people this weekend. Before we were in such different stratospheres of weight that it didn't matter. This time I felt more pressure, more stress, more fat then before, which is a really strange thing to write.

One friend told me that she didn't even recognize me walking over.  So there are changes, I just really need to start embracing them again.  Feeling the successes, looking at them with new eyes, get over this hump and move on.  Also, I think a big one is that I need to start exercising again. 

BLARG!

So, blogging today - this is going to help get it out.

Reason, Reality, Facts and love.  I'm doing it. I'm getting there. It is happening.  You can do it Tamzin. You are doing it.  Stay the Course.