Desk Drawer and things

The fabulous Miss Lori at I Just Ate My Willpower had a fun task for us this morning!  What does your desk drawer look like!   Weeeee!

Of course, I'm moving desks on Friday, so this is substantially better then usual in terms of amount and organization.

• Oatmeal packets
• Blue lid - Natural Peanut butter
• Pink lid - tuna
• Zip lock - Big Train Chai Latte protein powder
• Small silver lid - V8
• Large silver lid - Zero Calorie Orange fizzy water drink
• Tampons
• Halloween decorations

Pretty unexciting mix all in!

Weigh in this morning was considerably better.  251.8.  Much better then the last few days, but this month is going to be a near zero bust. Its not a GAIN, so I can't be too unhappy.  

Tonight is yoga, I don't want to go already, which is a clear sign that I should! ha! 

The House was inspected yesterday, there are no major issues that came from it - so our realtor said - they typically hear about it right away if there is.  So we are proceeding.  March 29 is the clear out date, so we need to find a place asap to rent while we look for a new home.  Starting that today!!

Three days and counting to the new job starts. Things are starting to get uncomfortable. Everyone is sad and not shy about telling me how big a hole I'm going to leave, and how much they love working with me.  Ouch.

If only they had been as proactive about keeping me here... 

Anyway, its hard, because, I really HATE letting people down and have been in a self-deprecating spiral as I tell people they will find someone as good, it won't be an issue, etc. etc. blah. 

They aren't.  ha! I said it. 

I'm awesome, I worked twice as hard for half the pay, ate twice the sh*t sandwiches from the grumpy people I work with, smiled and kept going.  I really care about doing an excellent job, on top of being a great funny entertaining person to be around. So, they are sad for a reason, but they want to blame me and that's the hard part for me not to internalize.

Mantra

Today I am not hungry.

Today I am feeling scared, stressed, nervous, tired, overloaded, guilty, and worried.

I am not hungry, and putting food in my mouth will not solve any of the other feelings that I'm having.

The interviews went well - they are making me an offer at the end of the week for the new job I applied/interviewed for. 

I had to tell the two women that I work for yesterday that I was possibly leaving the department. That was hard.   Really hard. I chickened out twice.  I really hate to disappoint people, I hate putting myself first, I feel guilty for leaving, even though its best for me.

I'm also scared about the new job, more travel, more responsibility, more everything.... what if I can't do it, what if I do it badly, what if they don't like me.

Then I remind myself: I've never had a job I didn't do well, I'm a high performer, I get max bonus's, I get great reviews, and I always strive to do my best - this will be no different.  I will put in the effort, I was the top candidate for a reason, they aren't stupid. I am going to be great.

So today I have to STOP feeding my feelings. 

Closing in on my 50lb Goal & Thoughts on Workplace Descrimination

OMG ... I am so close to having lost 50lbs I honestly can't believe that I let this sneak up on me like this.

WOOHOO!   I'm super excited.

Weigh in this morning: 252.4

I have a second interview this Friday for an internal job I applied for, and here is why I want to talk about it. 

Nicole at Beauty and the Bypass was asking a question about discrimination at work for being overweight.   I wanted to reply to that post, but the answer is long, complicated and biased to my experience.

As someone who has been varying degrees of slightly overweight to morbidly obese, but also brainwashed by my parents to think that I was a huge hosebeast from a very young age, I have a hard time telling when I was actually overweight and when I was just a little chunky and when I was actually normal sized.

Honestly, I still do some days.

Anyway - absolutely I've been discriminated against as a fat person at every job I've ever had. Maybe not for promotions, but as a person. To combat it, I was hyper sensitive about doing good work, being competent and making sure that I was in totally control of my job and duties.  Mostly, I think people looked at me and thought nasty things about my fatness.  However, I made sure that no one could say that I was lazy and didn't do my job well.  However, even with all these efforts, I never was invited to work on any extra committees, projects and given praise for my contributions.

But, that is a big but.... I really believe that the biggest factor holding me back has always been me. 

I'm the one that thinks I can't do it, I'm the one that scared, I'm the one that doesn't want to be out in public looking a fat mess, I'm the one that thinks people are laughing at me, I'm the one that thinks I don't deserve to be paid well, appreciated and promoted. I worry that people don't want to sit next to me at dinner tables, meetings, any place where I might have intruded on their personal space. I worried about tight elevator rides, getting in vehicles with co-workers and all kinds of strange little daily things.

When I went to this last interview, my attitude had changed.  The interviewer told me about the events planning part of this role, and I thought about how great that would be.  An hour later I realized, that I hadn't even thought about how embarrassed I would have be to meet hoteliers after dealing with them on the phone, that I wasn't scared to wear dress shoes all day walking around.

50+lbs ago, that would have been the first thought.  The job involves some travel - no problem, I fit into airplanes now. 

I also wasn't worried about the first impression that I would make, that I would walk into the interview and the first thing that they would notice wouldn't be how massive I was.  Now, I just look kind of chunky, but I wouldn't say that I look so out of place anymore.

So I think that there is discrimination, I also think that I am a significant amount of my problem. Sadly there will always be "something", either I'm too fat, too tall, too ugly, too stupid, too canadian, too married, too freckled, too smart, too whatever....  In the end all of those things are more about the person that is thinking them, then about me.  So, I have to just work on the me.

Anyway, Nicole, thank you for putting that into my brain to think about.  I know that there is a lot more to this, but its good fodder for starting a conversation - even if it is just with myself!!  :)

Constant Vigilance

Well - the end of the year is coming to a close. I was looking on my calendar at the office and noticed that I had "258" in there for Jan 1.

I'm so close!!   :)  

I've been really bad with water again.  I can really feel it when I wake up in the mornings... mouth so dry!!   So I need to get on top of that again.   Constant Vigilance!!  Always be sipping!

I like to slip in as much "nerd" as possible into my posts! haha

So I've been snacking lots, and doing no food tracking. I think that is the main reason for my last few week of stalled weight loss.  That, and the lack of water and exercise.  

Its about come to the time... my body has shed off the first massive push of fat. Now I'm more functional, happier and the weight loss has leveled out.  Time to get serious again about tracking and monitoring myself to get another 40 off by the end of the summer. I'm aiming for losing 5 - 10lbs a month.  This month its going to be closer to 5 then 10.

Weigh In today: 259.8

Stay the Course

This is the first real mental plateau that I feel I've hit. 

The first big push of weight loss has been great. I was taking pictures, seeing the shrinking, watching my clothes get bigger on me, feeling the tight clothes get loose, feeling the loose clothes fall off. I see the numbers change - I make the charts, the graphs, the lists.

The difference in the last few weeks, I think, is that I've been moving into smaller clothes.

I'm out of the bigger jeans (L@ne Bryant 20's) and into the smaller L*z Clayb0rn and C0ldwater Creek 20's (LB always oversizes their clothes). I bought 2 pair of new work pants this weekend - 18s (LB) a couple new tops (18/20), a 14/16 elastic waist skirt.  I also had to get some 14/16 undies, as my 18/20's were falling off.  I went to put on my pants this morning for work and looked at the waistband.  "Impossibly small, no way these are going to do up", but they did.

...get to the point girl...

So I think that what I'm seeing (or rather FEELING) is tighter clothes again. Everything is more restrictive and showing the lumps.  I'm getting that "feeling"... I'm fat, I'm gross, all my bits are sticking out so far.  There has been a significant amount of negative self talk going on inside my head.

FACT: have hit an all new low of 259.8 
FACT: I'm down 3 pant sizes and 2 top sizes
FACT: I moved down a bra size
FACT: I feel better and sleep better and look better

Despite all these facts, I've been plagued with scale-fear. This morning I just KNEW that I would be back up to 265.  Didn't happen.   The fat-talk, the scale-fear, the negativeness, the self-loathing, the you can't do it's, the you're-going-to-fails.  Pinching, prodding, tisking in the mirror. All this BS is back in my head.  I might as well be over 300 again with all the hate I have going on right now.

I spent some time out with some very slim people this weekend. Before we were in such different stratospheres of weight that it didn't matter. This time I felt more pressure, more stress, more fat then before, which is a really strange thing to write.

One friend told me that she didn't even recognize me walking over.  So there are changes, I just really need to start embracing them again.  Feeling the successes, looking at them with new eyes, get over this hump and move on.  Also, I think a big one is that I need to start exercising again. 

BLARG!

So, blogging today - this is going to help get it out.

Reason, Reality, Facts and love.  I'm doing it. I'm getting there. It is happening.  You can do it Tamzin. You are doing it.  Stay the Course.

2 Month Sleeversary

Okay, I'm a little bit late - 2 months was December 15, but I was away and I've been scrambling at the office since I got back, so today I'll have some time to get a proper post ready.

1 Month Sleeversary post.

2 Months

 

Starting weight – 301

2 Month weight – 260.8

 

Pounds lost – 40.2

Pant sizes down – 3

Shirt size down – 2

Crazy!! 

2 months in and 40lbs gone.  That's only a change of 10lbs from last month to this month, but in all seriousness, 10 FRAKING POUNDS is awesome. I don't know why I would say only. I guess that too is a mind shift that has to happen.  "only 10lbs"...  It used to take me 6 months to lose 10lbs, and then I'd just have gained it back in one weekend of ice cream binging.  So yeah, I am REALLY happy.

I continue to see and feel the changes. They are coming slowly, my eyes are still bigger then my "new" stomach, but I'm starting to get better at judging what portion I can and should eat. 

My main trouble area is water, good ol H2O. I used to be a gulper and be able to drink a liter at at time. That is not possible anymore, and its a poor way to stay hydrated to boot.  This last week has been really terrible. Travel, visiting, travel, busy work, not trying hard enough.

The changes keep coming.  Last night at my chiropractic appointment my Dr was REALLY impressed. She can see and feel the differences in my body.  There was a major breakthrough as well....as noted below....

Amazing Improvements in Month 2:

1. Last night was the first time that my Chiropractor could adjust my lower back "normally", i.e. in the same way as she adjusts her other patients instead of the modified way that she had been doing it. It had to be modified because I was too large to bend my legs in the way that was needed because my stomach was in the way.  WOW! That my friends, is progress in a huge way.
2. I saw a hint of collarbone in the mirror last night.
3. Down a Bra Size!!!! 
4. Zero allergy medications for the last month.
5. No daily ibuprofen (WOW!, my liver really is thanking me for this one so I had to mention it again) down from my pre-surgery 4-6 a day.
6. Getting hugged by the Husbeast is so much ...closer!!
7. Feeling human.  I'm starting to feel like a human, that people aren't staring at me because I'm so big. I'm more outgoing with strangers, I found myself talking to more people in the airport and on the airplane.  
8. Reduced food stress. I have found that I'm not so crazy with the food. I'm no longer watching for who gets the "biggest piece" of cake, I'm not worried about getting in line first so I get all the food I want. I eat, then don't think about food again until hours later.  That is a real freedom that I can't put a price on.

Time feels so much faster. Only 2 months?  The changes that have been made are monumental. The difference that this first 40lbs had made is amazing. I feel like a new person. I feel 10 years younger.  I feel like I am no longer ashamed of myself and my body.

I told a good friend in email: "even if this was all that I lost, the surgery would have still been worth it".  I know that this isn't over, and that I'm going to get to my goal weight. Honestly, that is such foreign territory for me, that I can't really even conceive of what its going to be like from my current perspective.  But I can tell you this... I'm excited!

In carrying on the tradition from month 1.  Here is a picture of my dog, asking why I'm on that phone and not taking him for a walk.

Holding Steady

Weigh in this morning: 264.0

Holding steady, but I can almost feel the next drop coming.  Its strange, the ebb and flow that is becoming more normal with my weight loss. I'll have to break out another graph soon - cause they are fun to look at!

Today's lunch is Pita Chips and Garlic Hummus from Whole Foods.  Damn delicious!

I had a great food learning experience this morning.  The Husbeast had another follow up dr's appointment for his knees (double quad-tendon rupture repairs).  So appointment at 7am... Doctor sees us at 8:30am.. you know the drill.  Ug.  So much waiting.   ANYWAY - after we were done we stopped in the restaurant in the building for a breakfast taco before work.   Corn tortillas, egg, bacon, cheese, potatoes, salsa. 

I used to eat 2 or 3 of these bad boys, and a full coffee, and then be hungry and eating again in an hour.  Today I started noshing on it, got halfway through and realized that I wasn't going to be able to eat it all.  So I pulled the tortilla back , ate a little more of the filling, and was done.  

Its was the noticing. I noticed that I was getting full. I changed my behavior and stayed in my limit.  I was happy.  It was a nice learning moment. My eye's are changing finally - they are starting to see what I can and should be eating. No looking at how much more more more more. 

Re-training is awesome!

YES!

Well , I must have had more water yesterday then I thought.  Had a good morning movement, and my weight is down! FINALLY!

Weight in - 270lbs

YAY!

I finally picked up the extra pants that my friend has shrunk out of.  All of them are size 18 and 20 (She is now down to a 14).

They looked... IMPOSSIBLY small.  The mind plays such tricks.  All the 20's fit well, apart from one pair of jeans.  The dress pants are 18's and all have some spandex in them, so they do up, and look good in the leg, but are a little tight in the middle.

By a little tight in the middle, I mean - how all my pants use to fit on me when they were stretchy and size 24. 

Unbelievable. It was hard to imagine pants that look like that going around me. But they did. 

Today was a non-bike day.  I have a weight session tonight, squats and I think that I'm going to give some bench press a shot as well.   See how the abs are healing up and flexing.

More of the same

Weigh in this morning: 271

It's officially a plateau and annoying!

I guess losing so much so fast in the start meant that this was going to happen quickly as well. My body I'm sure is freaking out metabolism wise.  However, I'm defiantly using this time to work out the kinks.  And I'm still 30lbs down, so I'm going to be happy today.

1. Eating too fast - Must.Slow.Down, and take smaller bites. Old habits

2. Water - drink it - working on it!

3. Exercise - doing good - I had 2 squat sessions this week - yesterdays left my legs sore all day and I can feel them this morning. I've been on the bike 3 times. I'm aiming for M, W, T, F, Sun next week.  Also, dog walking, typically 15 - 25min a day. sometimes less (bad owner).

4. MORE SLEEP - I've been going to bed later and later. That has to stop. 6:15am comes fast when you go to sleep at 11:45.  not good.

I'm doing lots of running around today, so I'm going to start in on the cleaning next.  Dog fud, and groceries have been bought and I'm planning some pumpkin smoothies for breakfast this week!!

I've also cleared out the closet of a bunch of clothes that don't fit anymore.  Wee!  

A friend that had lap band a couple of years ago is handing me down her 20's and 18's pants, since I'm about at that size now. Very exciting to get some new clothes that I don't have to shop for.

Stay the Course

well, I'm back up a little this morning,

weigh in - 271.0

I'm frustrated. BUT... I know that I am doing the right stuff. I need to keep drinking my water and not try to get crazy with the calorie cutting, keep getting my protein in and keep working out. 

It IS going to happen.  Of course the irrational part of my brain is going CRAZY! gaining gaining gaining... its going to happen. So, I'm trying to keep it quiet and just go about my day.

This weeks breakdown is good:

Monday
Calories: 1129
Fat: 46.2
Carbs: 102.8
Protein: 68.2

Tuesday
Calories: 1103
Fat: 42.5
Carbs: 96.5
Protein: 68.4

Wednesday
Calories: 1054
Fat: 43.6
Carbs: 100.6
Protein: 57.6 (meh)

Thursday
Calories: 1139
Fat: 44.8
Carbs: 103.5
Protein: 74.8

Friday
Calories: 1029
Fat: 39.3
Carbs: 113
Protein: 70

Okay, calories are good, but I am eating too much fat and carbs.   Need to get in some more proteins, and since I'm still on soft foods, that means I need to get in some more shakes. This week I've backed off from them, and that might be an area that would help me make some improvements.

Okay, I'm already feeling a little better. I've lost 30lbs in 3 weeks. My poor body hasn't done anything that momentous for a decade, so I'm going to give it a break!  :) 

Today I have a light squat session at 11:30, and I have about 3 hours of cleaning that needs to be done, as well as grocery shopping, and maybe, a hair cut. 

So time to get to it! 

Extra hour!

This morning we got up at normal time, no extra hour of sleep for me.

Today was my first meal out! Husbeast and I headed for a little diner for breakfast. Happily they have grits on the menu so I got a 2 egg scramble with ham, cheese, onions, green peppers and a side of grits! Mixed them together, very yum.

Managed to get in a little less then half. Ate nice and slow. Enjoyed myself very much! It was great to not over eat. Such a difference from before WLS.... When every time I sat down for a meal it was akin to a speed eating contest.

We spent an hour waiting on some stores to open, opps....time change...not how I wanted to spend my extra hour today, but shoes must be bought! I need to retire my sandals for winter, such that it is down here (I.e. not particularly cold).

Weigh in this morning. - 270.8

Wow. I had another moment last night where I just couldn't believe that this was really happening... There was no way that I could keep losing. Mind shift, I am going to keep losing. And tomorrow I get to start biking!!!