I had my re-sleeve consultation with my surgeon this morning. On the drive out there, I started to get more and more worried about my middling success with my first sleeve and what he might say about it.
When you've been fat for your whole life and you're used to being blamed for it - I suppose it's a natural reaction that I would feel that this doctor, like all my other doctors, would be judgemental about my "success" and question my every single behavior.
Of course, he wasn't. Not that I still didn't get emotional talking about it, which I did, but I managed not to cry. He reassured me by saying that VSG doesn't always work for everybody especially if there are metabolic concerns. He also said that RSG (re-sleeve) is not very common and he would usually recommend either gastric bypass or a duodenal switch- DS. However, reality is is they need to take a look inside to see what's going on before he can make a decision.
I have an upper G.I. scheduled for next week Tuesday and an endoscopy scheduled for next week Wednesday.
I had a good cry in the car on the way home, I'm pretty sure after my first consultation I did the same thing (except I had a dozen donuts after), and thought about how I judge myself just as harshly as I think other people do for being overweight. I thought about all the things I could do better, I thought about all the times that I could work harder on my diet, all the moments of weakness and over eating and not following the rules. It was exactly the same kind of conversation I had with myself before my first surgery, how I could exercise more eat less, blah blah blah all the same shit . The problem I guess is with me and it's hard to fully except that I'm flawed in this department and I'm so flawed that I can't even manage to have surgery work for me. At the same time I have to remind myself that I'm not the only one and that I should be allowed to solve this problem, with freedom from judgment even my own judgment.
I'm not keen on a DS , but in thinking about the doctors comments about being metabolically challenged I think that probably applies. When I stick to anything over 1200 cal I struggle to lose weight. Even after this surgery now sticking to 1200 cal is difficult for me. Over the last week I've had between 1800 and 2200 calories a day and I've gone to bed hungry each night.
I had a good long argument with myself about surgery and in the end I realized that I'm going to eat a cookie the day before I die and I'm going to feel guilty about it. So if I want surgery now who cares it's for me to decide it's for me to choose I'm still accountable but there's no shame in admitting that I need help.
I'm going to do some research on the duodenal switch and go for my appointments next week I have a follow up appointment on the 28th to review my results and I guess I'll know after then what can or can't happen.