2012 - I had Vertical Sleeve Gastric Surgery in October 2012, and this is my journey to push the fat girl aside and start living life without fear of lawn chairs, the middle seat, clothing shops and high heels. Among other things.

2017 - I'm preop for the Duodenal Switch procedure for my sleeve to help me get to goal weight....and to fix another hiatal hernia.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

April 2014 Monthly Recap

Monthly Recap -  RAWR Edition

Pounds Gained this month – 2.4
Pounds lost overall – 64.6

Month by the numbers.

Mar 31 - 234
Apr 1 - 234
Apr 2 - 233
Apr 3 - 232.6
Apr 4 - 233.2
Apr 5 - 233.4
Apr 6 - 232.2
Apr 7 - 232.2
Apr 8 - 232.8
Apr 9 - 233.2
Apr 10 - 232.8
Apr 11 - 234.8
Apr 12 - 235.2
Apr 13 - 234
Apr 14 - 232.4
Apr 15 - 232.8
Apr 16 - 233.4
Apr 17 - 235.8
Apr 18 - 236
Apr 19 - 236
Apr 20 - 236.2
Apr 21 - 235
Apr 22 - 235.2
Apr 23 - 235.8
Apr 24 - 235.8
Apr 25 - 237.2
Apr 26 - 237.2
Apr 27 - 236.6
Apr 28 - 235.2
Apr 29 - 236.2
Apr 30 - 236.4
Well, I really let that one go at the end here.  There must be a correlation between me setting a goal and me FAILING in the complete opposite direction of said goal.  I literally gained for six straight days the day after I said I wanted to see 229 on the scale this month.  

Expecting things of myself is dangerous apparently.   Honestly, just wandering along being happy with what I’m doing is much better. 

Of course, I also let go the triad of evil:
1.       Stopped drinking enough water
2.       Stopped tracking my food
3.       Started eating out more

Accompanied with poor sleep, work stress, and a general lack of self-control and boom.  Back up in the mid/high 230’s. 
I also had a lot of poor self-talk – the old ugly “YOU DESERVE THESE TREATS” reared its head. Nothing good ever comes from that.
So, its back on the wagon.  I’ve not started tracking food yet, but I’m taking steps and gawds knows, if I set anything too high I’m just going to lay down and not get anywhere.  Step one has been – TAKE A DAMN LUNCH.  Which I’ve done, but I already had a snickers bar today.  *SIGH*  
Also – get on top of water.  I’ve had puffy swollen feet for half a month now.  It’s all because I’m down on my water and my body is suffering from it. 
Today’s REAL emergency was I took a shirt off the hanger to wear to work today... and put it back because it was slightly tight at the start of the month – I couldn’t even bear to try it on and see how my belly has filled in again.  Damn it – 2lbs does really make a difference.
Time to get back on track. 

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Me vs Me

This week has also taken a turn for the shitty eating. I just could not stop today. Arg. 


Why are these so hard for me.

I don't think I've felt hungry once this week.


Wednesday, April 16, 2014


Bah. Focusing on the negative lately and I want to post about the awesome yesterday.

I ordered three dresses from Ol' Navy, because online you can get them in Tall, which means that I can wear them to the office (i.e. length is appropriate!). That extra 1.5 inches makes a difference!!

I got three, all XL Tall (and they were on sale!!!  $12 each!!!).

I pulled them out and looking at them - I just still get that feeling - that I am going to have to SQUEEEEZE into these and its going to be uncomfortable and yuck.

I pulled the first one over my head and it basically dropped onto me perfectly. Happened with all three.  One was even ... LOOSE!


I danced around the living room in my new dresses and reveled in the good feeling.

Happy day!

Water... Take 259

I beat the cake craving yesterday...but I didn't watch my water intake.

So thirsty this morning. 

Scale is up a little as well.  233.4

Water bottle is filled up. 

Back on the "water" horse again.

For the billiontyith time.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Fighting the good fight

I'm really fighting the urge for junk today....

do I want CAKE  or do I want to see 229 on the scale.

Thus far, scale is winning. 

Although I'm going to cave and have a slow sip on some diet coke soon to keep me occupied until its time to go home.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Old Patterns

I had a bad week at the office last week.  My "give a damn" was broken and my capacity for stupid questions was backed up. 

So what did I do....

Mostly.... I turned to food.

This is an old old pattern that is really really difficult to break. I did it with full awareness, which doesn' make it better.  But I knew that I was eating to feel good, and sadly, I have to report that there was a part of me that did feel good about it on Friday night - post Chinese food horribleness.

I justify it with, a binge on bad food now is a joke by comparison, which it is. However it the behavior that is damaging, not the amout of food - since its such a small fraction of what I would have done before.  But I want to acknowledge that this is STILL BAD BEHAVIOR.

AND, even though it is a "small amount" of food - I was punished with a 2.4lbs gain over the weekend. That was... scary.  I'm amazed at what salt can do to the body.  Regardless, I snapped out of it with my Sat and Sun morning weigh ins. I hit the water, and am back on track.

Saturday and Sunday I did NOT want to weigh in - those are the days I make myself do it, since I know those are the days I need it the most.  Which I did.

I've been stalling on getting back into my lifting (something that I could have done instead of eating), so I'm going to get back on that this week and start with some light biking and body weight squats.  Next week I'll hit the gym again - lightly, as my abdominal wall still has some tender spots, but that scar tissue just has to be worked through.

Anyway - todays food is all planned out in MFP already.   I find it so much easier when I don't have to make decisions.  What I can eat is in there - no substitutions, no deviation.  Easy.

I think that April is the month to break out of the 230's and touch 229 at least once.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Tasty Tasty Salt

had a number of salt bombs yesterday.

All delicious, but man... the scale was up almost 2 lbs this morning!

Woof... that's a big old jump.  

Water water water.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Mental Break!

I ended up taking yesterday afternoon OFF.   what a glorious afternoon.

Did some shopping, got a few groceries, and then sat in silence with the dog doing some sewing in the sunshine.   

Feeling much more positive.

Ate like sh*t yesterday.  Cake at lunch, dessert after dinner, but managed to stay under calories and get in more water.

I'm looking forward to the weekend.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014


***Whining Ahead***

Eggs & bacon for breakfast. I wanted something warm, fatty and protein rich today.  Needed to change up something to kick start this day off right.

I'm going to kick this water thing in the arse today. Water is going to be had. My goal today is to pee at least 6x before I'm done in the office today.

I'm in a bad spot - just part of the grind of life.  Job it annoying,  Not sleeping well enough.  Put all my winter clothes away... and they were all comfortable.   All the summer clothes I  have bought are tight, and I could stand to lose another 5lbs before they will look good.  I'm still on the edge of sick.  Sweaty again last night.  Sneezing, snuffly.  Arg.

I KNOW that I did that to myself... but its not making today's 15 outfit change-fest anymore better.   Wearing the last of the winter tops, summer bottoms and its 40 out there.. and going to be 80 by this afternoon.

I know its going to be a few days before this funk is worn off. 

I hate this weather.
I hate water.
I hate pants.
I hate people.

I do love coffee still.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Could I drink less water?

Not Likely.

Why on earth do I do this to myself.


I just don't know today what I'm feeling today.


Last night I just wanted to eat and eat and eat.

This morning I want to eat and eat and eat. 

I'm going to get a coffee and try to think about something else for a while.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Planning Fail

Enjoyed a mostly lazy weekend - which was nice.  

Slept in, saw a movie, shaved the dog, did some light cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, wandered around in some resale shops. 

But this morning was a sh*tshow as I forgot to make my packed lunches last night.

Game of Thrones Season 4 opener.   I blame you. But also love you, so I guess its a wash.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Adjustments - MFP & My Brain

So the My Fitness Pal ap has finally updated and now you can pick your macros ( % of carbs, fats & protein you eat).

So I adjusted my macros to a more protein oriented mix and lowered my calorie intake from 1,770 to 1,700.   Not a lot, but I like to make small changes that I hardly notice, or else I tend to freak out.

Here are my numbers from yesterday - I'm still high on carbs, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it - I have rice crackers, hummus, and carrots in my diet - high in carbs, but also fiber.  Its going to be a balancing act.

As long as I'm getting close to my Protein goals for the day I'm happy!!  I used to be at 100g/ protein a day.  170 is going to be hard to hit, but anything over 100 is good to me.

Another new rule I'm trying to institute is that I don't eat after 8pm. I am in bed before 10 most nights, so I really DO NOT need to be snacking after 8pm - even if there are calories yet to be had for the day.

I've been good with my tracking - this is key for me.  I really cannot be left to graze yet.  I have auto-pilot for food and still try to overeat - even when I'm uncomfortably full.  Had to spit out a mouthful of dinner last night. 

I think that there are some people out there that have been more successful in changing their habits in the first year (bloggers that inspire me!), and I do think that I've done a lot and have made changes that are incredible.  But I know that I have more to go.  I think in another year I'll have the eating thing down much better. I do think that I'll always have to weigh in every day.  "When I stop looking, the fat wins". 

Anyway, I'm thankful to have these tools to help me - sleeve, tracking ap, scale.  They are what is keeping me from giving up!!  :)  I still have a "failure mentality", that has been in my brain for almost all my life. So I keep reminding myself that change takes time.  I was selfconscious of my body size at the age of 5, that kind of pressure is not going to be repaired overnight.

Today, I'm wearing a cardigan... size L.  I'll take these little moments when they come.