I had Vertical Sleeve Gastric Surgery in October 2012, and this is my journey to push the fat girl aside and start living life without fear of lawn chairs,
the middle seat, clothing shops and high heels. Among other things.


MEASURE TWICE - EAT ONCE!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

20% - is that good enough?

So a couple of my favorite bloggers, Sheila at This One Body and Linda Sherwood: Fat Mans Daughter (both of whom I admire for their efforts, results, and candor) have posted this week about the realistic side of WLS, loss percentages and expectations.

If you have not read the blog post by Sheila, you should go and do that now.

I've had a couple of tough days of introspection and rumination on this topic.

Here are my stats:

Starting WLS weight: 301lbs
Current weight: waffling between 238 - 241
% total bodyweight lost – 20%

Average for WLS 20% – 30%

This is what I though yesterday morning - while struggling: 

So I have lost 20% and have been at this stage for the better part of three months.  This begs the question. Have I done losing weight with my surgical assistance? 

Do I now have to go back to good old fashioned self-control, exercise, and decision making?  Because, that's why I was 300+ pounds. I don't have any of those skills.

I can’t say that I’m making good choices all the time.  I’m over stressed, over tired, and unhappy with my workload and life.  I know that all these things are temporary, but then again… it always seems that I solve one issue and three more crop up.  

When am I going to have time for the gym again?  When am I going to make time for the gym again?  When am I going to start paying attention to my food again?  Why do I feel the need to eat as much as possible at every opportunity.  Granted, the surgery has limited it greatly – the reason for the WL and the last three months of maintaining a 60lbs loss.   But how long is that going to be true if I don't keep working at this???!

Am I weak minded, sick, mental, stupid, incapable?   Sadly, these are all the same questions that I used to ask myself at 300+lbs.   It’s been said before and said again – WLS does not fix your head. I guess, I need to fix my head.  I feel bad about myself, my efforts, my abilities.

When I hit the 260’s I wrote that if I never lost another pound I would still be happy to have had the surgery and it was all worth it.   But now…I don’t feel happy and satisfied with my body.  Is it time passed. I think I’ve already forgotten what it is like to be over 300lbs. Life was horrible, hard, and everything was 100x more difficult.

Old familiar patterns are back – just in smaller quantities. Eating to overfull, seeking sugars and carbs, making excuses for my behaviors. Seeking comfort in food even though it actually doesn't provide comfort.  
 
I’m not pleased. Is it that I’m not able to make changes?  I am sitting at my desk thinking about getting a bag of chips and coke for my lunch. I AM NOT EVEN HUNGRY.   Today is not a good day – today I feel pathetic.
 
So I struggle all day yesterday: but decided that I had to start getting tough on myself.  WHY did I want chips and chocolate. WHY did I want to take the easy route. Why wasn't I satisfied. Why aren't I valuing myself more.
 
So I didn't get chips, or chocolate.  I did drink half a can of diet coke.  I didn't get enough water, but I started challenging myself.
 
I told my Husband that I need to up the protein again and get off the refined carbs that I'v been relying on.  I told him to stop buying little ice creams for the house. I told him that the Belvia breakfast cookie, were not a great idea for me.
 
This morning I had an egg, a slice of turkey lunch meat and a slice of cheese scrambled.  No sugary yogurt.  Small steps, small steps. I don't want to be done at 238/240.  I don't want to be 175 either.  But I really REALLY would like to get down to 200, or 195 and see if that weight is going to be sustainable. 

195lbs would be 30% loss for me. Still within the "average".
 
Maybe, there is no weight that I'll ever be happy with my body at. I don't know.  But I do know, that I'm not happy now, so the only thing that I can do is start working at it again.  No matter how much I don't want to put in the effort.

10 comments:

  1. This lack of motivation must be going around... :(

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    1. Ug!! Yes, but we can change it right!? :)

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  2. If you aren't internally happy, then you aren't going to be externally happy either. I think the new food choices of basic food is a great turn-around. Make food rules for yourself and stick to them. If you want to lost 30%, then it looks as though you will need to invest your mind more deeply into the process. It's totally doable. :D

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    1. Yes! I need to find the happy for sure. Its going to be a long time of work. Basic food rules are back in and I'm feeling emotionally a lot better.

      30% is totally doable. I'm making changes!

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  3. I hear ya girl...I hear ya. Good read :) I'm right there with ya. We have to fix our brains first and foremost. You can do it. You'll find what works for you...what motivated you from the beginning.

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    1. brains!!!!!! indeed! got kicking this brain in its hind end!

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  4. I love this line: Do I now have to go back to good old fashioned self-control, exercise, and decision making? Because, that's why I was 300+ pounds. I don't have any of those skills.

    So true for me too!

    I think I lost the first 60 pounds because of my surgery. Everything after that was because of me. I liked when I weighed 170 pounds mostly because it was 170 pounds, but I didn't like the way my belly looked (very wrinkly). I like my belly much better now that I'm at the high end of the 170s.

    But I'm still not happy with my upper thighs, so I know I am going to keep trying to lose but upping exercise.

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    1. Its going to be a long struggle at this weight, I know. I'm going to have to learn some of those sills if I want to make any more progress.

      I do want more progress, but again... I need to get the skills and motivation to get'e done. Its happening... slowly. Which I guess I can't complain too hard about. Happily, the surgery will help keep me from massive re-gain.

      Phew - its been a long week of introspection and investigation. Prognosis: positive!

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  5. Thanks for the shout-out...my blog post seems to have hit a nerve for people, which is GOOD. Because we all are on a journey of self-discovery. And one thing I have learned on this journey is that while surgery did *help* me along the way and jump started my weight-loss, the *rest* of the journey is up to me. And some days I come charging out ready to tackle the issues, and some days I just want to give up. But I know what giving up looks like and I never want to go back there again. So here is to more good days than bad! Hugs...and glad to hear the prognosis is POSITIVE!!

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    1. It more shone a light on a dark area that I didn't want to look at. The trusth is that the surgery won't do it all, it did more than enough though, and now its my turn to take this al teh way to the finish line. :)

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