The whole world is a nail when your only tool is a hammer

Yesterday was a good day - its tough to look back and realize that you are letting yourself down.  Even more so AFTER surgery to help you.   I keep saying it over and over. This is a tool. I am dysfunctional.  The tool works, I just have to apply the tool correctly.

What is that saying: The whole world is a nail when your only tool is a hammer.

Weigh in this morning was: 243.6.  Phew!  Coming back down to reasonable - in line with my actions... amazing that. 

Okay - so I'm going to keep up with the food pics for a while because it is really helping me right now.

Not Pictured - Morning Coffee
Cal -  20
P - 0

Cal - 280

P - 10

(ate this in 2 shots - there is too much to eat in one go)

Cal - 40

P - 0

Lunch - same same!

16 Wheat Thins - 150 / 2

2 light swiss laughing cows - 70 / 4

Babybel Mozzarella - 50 / 6

Lemon Pepper Tuna - 80 / 18

Small Chai Latte

Cal - 120

P - 4

Cinnamon scone

cal - 454

P - 7

 

Cal - 70

P - 5

Amy's Mac & Cheese with 1/2c peas

Cal - 480

P - 20

Cal - 150

P - 1

12 for me (this was shared with the hubby)

Cal - 62

P - 1

 

Totals:

Cal - 2,026

P - 78

 

Okay - so this is a little bit of a surprise for me - I actually had more calories yesterday then Tuesday (the terrible day). However yesterday I had what I would call "Better Food".

 

Less crap.  Less sugar. I did have a scone and some licorice. I only had half of that latte, but I wasn't frantically eating after work and I felt good - balanced. 

 

I was hungry when I woke up this morning, and now I feel full after my breakfast.  The scale was down this morning and I feel better. Chalking this one up to Win and back on track.

Focus!

Yesterday I was feeling a little dissatisfied with my weight loss, and frankly with my efforts. So, I made a change. I really stuck to my diet. I didn't go for afternoon carbs, and managed my water a lot better.

Weigh in this morning: 254.4

Yes, once again (and again and again and again) I have to re-teach myself this lesson. Eating right, even with a surgically altered stomach, is still the key. Give the body things it needs and can use. 

More water and monitoring myself is in order today.

Back at it!

It's been a busy week already at the office, I've been going flat out!

After Monday mornings awesome weigh in I totally didn't drink enough water for the last 2 days, AND yesterdays food was like...almost 70% cookies. 

Jeez already. I have such up and downs... I'm so good, water, water, water.... then, brain fart.  

Anyway, I'm back on it today, and I need it... because!!!!!    yesterday I had my first real workout back in after surgery.

40min walk
front squats - 3 sets 5 reps - just the bar (45lbs)
bench press - 3 sets 5 reps - 65lbs
light stretching

I'm feeling the work in my legs today. Everything is sore and tired, which actually is a nice feeling. But it does mean I'm going to have to work really hard on my water to help flush all that lactic acid out of my poor weak muscles!!

Weigh in this morning - 258.6

Stay the Course

This is the first real mental plateau that I feel I've hit. 

The first big push of weight loss has been great. I was taking pictures, seeing the shrinking, watching my clothes get bigger on me, feeling the tight clothes get loose, feeling the loose clothes fall off. I see the numbers change - I make the charts, the graphs, the lists.

The difference in the last few weeks, I think, is that I've been moving into smaller clothes.

I'm out of the bigger jeans (L@ne Bryant 20's) and into the smaller L*z Clayb0rn and C0ldwater Creek 20's (LB always oversizes their clothes). I bought 2 pair of new work pants this weekend - 18s (LB) a couple new tops (18/20), a 14/16 elastic waist skirt.  I also had to get some 14/16 undies, as my 18/20's were falling off.  I went to put on my pants this morning for work and looked at the waistband.  "Impossibly small, no way these are going to do up", but they did.

...get to the point girl...

So I think that what I'm seeing (or rather FEELING) is tighter clothes again. Everything is more restrictive and showing the lumps.  I'm getting that "feeling"... I'm fat, I'm gross, all my bits are sticking out so far.  There has been a significant amount of negative self talk going on inside my head.

FACT: have hit an all new low of 259.8 
FACT: I'm down 3 pant sizes and 2 top sizes
FACT: I moved down a bra size
FACT: I feel better and sleep better and look better

Despite all these facts, I've been plagued with scale-fear. This morning I just KNEW that I would be back up to 265.  Didn't happen.   The fat-talk, the scale-fear, the negativeness, the self-loathing, the you can't do it's, the you're-going-to-fails.  Pinching, prodding, tisking in the mirror. All this BS is back in my head.  I might as well be over 300 again with all the hate I have going on right now.

I spent some time out with some very slim people this weekend. Before we were in such different stratospheres of weight that it didn't matter. This time I felt more pressure, more stress, more fat then before, which is a really strange thing to write.

One friend told me that she didn't even recognize me walking over.  So there are changes, I just really need to start embracing them again.  Feeling the successes, looking at them with new eyes, get over this hump and move on.  Also, I think a big one is that I need to start exercising again. 

BLARG!

So, blogging today - this is going to help get it out.

Reason, Reality, Facts and love.  I'm doing it. I'm getting there. It is happening.  You can do it Tamzin. You are doing it.  Stay the Course.

Ahh Sunday!

Busy weekend of chores and visiting, so I guess all in all a nice balance.  

My sleeve has been great, I really notice now when I'm out eating or just out in general, that my obsessive food thoughts are much less.  I was out doing shopping and usually I would have stopped at least once for some sort of food.  Coffee AND, or a drink AND.  There was always a hook.  I'd tell myself I'd just get a latte, then I'd be eating a ckae as well.   Today, I had water in the car and that was enough. Have a sip, forget about food.   As my capacity has reduces, so has my food seeking.  I love it!

I've been great with my water today.  So I'm really pleased about that, I also went out and got a few new tops for work. I was down to 5 tops that I could wear, everything else was just too big. So I added 4 more, so I don't look like I have a M-F uniform!  haha!

I moved down into a few 18/20's and even 2 at 14/16, but they are a little tight and stretchy, so they should last a while longer.  Very pleased.

We had latkes with friends at lunch. Home-made!!
Potato, scallion & quinoa
Sweet potato, jalapeno & quinoa
Potato, carrot & ginger
and... cake balls!  

I had one small latke of each with some apple chutney and vegan sour cream - they were really yummy!  I loved the quinoa in them, and the extra add in.  They are not traditional Jewish - so they like to make things a little more special! :)  3 latkes was lots, and one cakeball did it for me.  Fried foods are not the best or easiest to stay in. I did okay, but we are going to have a super light dinner tonight.

Laundry is on, garbage is collected, blog post is written... time to make some soup and head down to watch the new Batman with the Husbeast!   Excellent end to a good weekend.

Weigh In - 263.8

Holding Steady

Weigh in this morning: 264.0

Holding steady, but I can almost feel the next drop coming.  Its strange, the ebb and flow that is becoming more normal with my weight loss. I'll have to break out another graph soon - cause they are fun to look at!

Today's lunch is Pita Chips and Garlic Hummus from Whole Foods.  Damn delicious!

I had a great food learning experience this morning.  The Husbeast had another follow up dr's appointment for his knees (double quad-tendon rupture repairs).  So appointment at 7am... Doctor sees us at 8:30am.. you know the drill.  Ug.  So much waiting.   ANYWAY - after we were done we stopped in the restaurant in the building for a breakfast taco before work.   Corn tortillas, egg, bacon, cheese, potatoes, salsa. 

I used to eat 2 or 3 of these bad boys, and a full coffee, and then be hungry and eating again in an hour.  Today I started noshing on it, got halfway through and realized that I wasn't going to be able to eat it all.  So I pulled the tortilla back , ate a little more of the filling, and was done.  

Its was the noticing. I noticed that I was getting full. I changed my behavior and stayed in my limit.  I was happy.  It was a nice learning moment. My eye's are changing finally - they are starting to see what I can and should be eating. No looking at how much more more more more. 

Re-training is awesome!

Thankful

Today is a trigger day for me, and so, the day before thanksgiving I'm going to give you my "thankful" post.

Today I'm suffering through some of my binge eating triggers. Pain, frustration, stress, tired, grocery shopping and the worst part...time in my car. AKA: the food chariot. The ugly scene of many a food crime that I have committed against myself for years.

I "WANT" candy, chocolate, ice cream, crackers, sweets, pie, whipped cream..... You name it. I want it in my mouth.

But today, I have been saved from myself. The sleeve will not allow me to get out of control. It was both exhilarating and irritating.

The old ugly binge beast has reared it's head and it demands to be fed. I was going to give in, i was going to sit in my car and eat cookies and chocolate. but my surgery is helping me. Today my sleeve is Gandolf, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

Picture is my binge: cottage cheese, hard boiled eggs, roasted chicken, red & green peppers. (unpictured: handful of nuts). Ate half. :)

1 month sleeversary

1 Month

Starting weight – 301

1 Month weight – 269.4

Pounds lost – 31.6

Pant sizes down – 2

Shirt size down – 1

One month in.  Wow, feels like so much longer (in a good way). I have been reading lots of blogs about people that are 8, 9, 15 months, plus into their surgeries and I want to be there already. However, I also wanted to wake up from the surgery skinny too, so you don’t always get what you want! Ha!

I really couldn’t be more happy with the surgery and what its done for me, even in this little beginner stage – One Month. Not for just the weight and the dress sizes. There have been a lot of other amazing changes. 

Here are my amazing improvements:

1. I have gone from a 4-6 ibuprofen a day habit down to ZERO.  You’re welcome liver and kidneys!!
2. Sleep – SO.MUCH.BETTER.
3. Moving, biking, walking, stairs…. All seriously easier!
4. My shoes all fit again and, lo and behold, they don’t leave giant red lines in my feet anymore!
5. No more binging. Not even close to physically possible anymore.
6. Hey! Wow! Ankles!
7. Getting in and out of the car in a tight parking space - No problem!

The surgery was the best adult decision I’ve ever made for myself.  It was a selfish one (since I didn’t have insurance that covered it, that was $$ straight from our bank account - I'm really very forturnate that we were in a possition to do that), and I struggled with this decision before I did it. It felt like cheating, it felt like I was just too damn lazy to do it the “right way”, I felt like I was a failure and pathetic that I couldn’t just lose weight.

I had a long talk with some friends. I also spent the last 2 years struggling to lose 10lbs, while another friend of mine who got a lap-band lost 150lbs.  Was she a failure? Was she too lazy? Was she cheating?  No.

I didn’t think of her that way. I was jealous of her success, yes, but I was also a good deal more proud and happy for her.  Why wasn’t surgery an answer for me too?  As another good friend of mine sad to me, “You are not taking the easy way out, surgery and changing your life is going to be difficult.  Would you not take help if you had a medical condition that required surgery or medication?”

I finally gave myself permission to be unsuccessful at weight loss. I finally gave myself permission to seek help.  I wish that I had this done years ago.  Hindsight is 20/20, perhaps years of struggling and the up/down has given me an appreciation for what I have now.

One of the biggest differences post surgery is this has helped me stop using my body like a trash can. I can’t eat to solve my problems anymore; I can't fill myself up when I’m bored, tired or cranky.

I’m still a work in progress and I’m looking forward to what I have learned in the next month, and where I’ll be.  Exciting stuff!!

For fun, here is a picture of our dog enjoying life to the fullest. Kind of how I feel today.

Meat! Its on the menu

I'm officially into Phase 3 - soft foods - as of this past weekend. Which isn't too much different from the pureed foods, other than I get to add in some cooked ground meat (YES!) and I'm still not on raw veggies yet. Chewing went well today, and I ate at a good pace.

My protein intake has shot up a good 10 - 15g a day with that! Enjoying it for what its worth!

Water today started good and dropped way the hell off. I'm sitting here thinking... yeah, that didn't go well. I think maybe 12oz in the workday. Frak. Tomorrow on the scale is going to suck, but that's my fault. I can't just look at the water sitting there, I have to drink it!

Today was a little light on food, I forgot to add protein powder into my pumpkin shake, so thats 9g of protein I'm missing today.  However, I think I'm doing pretty good!  And for a visual change of pace, here is a little clip of my food spreadsheet and what I ate today:

	Nov-12
food	amount	Calories	Fat	Carbs	Protein
Noosa Raspberry yogurt	4oz	130	6	14	9
Coffee & creams (2)	1 cup	40	3	3.5	0.5
Cream o Wheat - Maple	1 pack	130	0	28	2
skim milk	1/2c	45	0.3	6	4.5
deviled egg (halves)	2	86	9.25	1.3	6.3
Turkey mini meatloaf	1 (4oz)	140	7	4.5	14
Cottage Cheese	1/2c	90	2.5	0	12
Pumpkin shake (milk only)	1	147	0.8	25.5	9.7
Acorn Squash	1/2c	57	0	15	1
Turkey mini meatloaf	1 (4oz)	140	7	4.5	14
Yellow Mustard	2T	2	0	0	0
Totals		1007	35.85	102.3	73

Stay the Course

well, I'm back up a little this morning,

weigh in - 271.0

I'm frustrated. BUT... I know that I am doing the right stuff. I need to keep drinking my water and not try to get crazy with the calorie cutting, keep getting my protein in and keep working out. 

It IS going to happen.  Of course the irrational part of my brain is going CRAZY! gaining gaining gaining... its going to happen. So, I'm trying to keep it quiet and just go about my day.

This weeks breakdown is good:

Monday
Calories: 1129
Fat: 46.2
Carbs: 102.8
Protein: 68.2

Tuesday
Calories: 1103
Fat: 42.5
Carbs: 96.5
Protein: 68.4

Wednesday
Calories: 1054
Fat: 43.6
Carbs: 100.6
Protein: 57.6 (meh)

Thursday
Calories: 1139
Fat: 44.8
Carbs: 103.5
Protein: 74.8

Friday
Calories: 1029
Fat: 39.3
Carbs: 113
Protein: 70

Okay, calories are good, but I am eating too much fat and carbs.   Need to get in some more proteins, and since I'm still on soft foods, that means I need to get in some more shakes. This week I've backed off from them, and that might be an area that would help me make some improvements.

Okay, I'm already feeling a little better. I've lost 30lbs in 3 weeks. My poor body hasn't done anything that momentous for a decade, so I'm going to give it a break!  :) 

Today I have a light squat session at 11:30, and I have about 3 hours of cleaning that needs to be done, as well as grocery shopping, and maybe, a hair cut. 

So time to get to it! 

Water

The last two days I've noticed that I dropped off on my water drinking.

I forgot what its like being tied to a desk and not having water next to me. It NEVER crosses my mind when I get up, to take my bottle and refill. That is going to have to change, I'm going to have to get it done first thing in the mornings, so that I have it on hand to sip away at all day.

I'm slightly dehydrated I think, so need to step it up. Especially since I think its the main reason that I was up this morning in weight.

Weigh In - 270.6

So, I've been trying this evening to get the water in!

Food has been going well - I have been eating too fast, I need to put the fork down between bites and be more aware of my eating habits.  I've struggled with my salmon, and last night I had to stand for a while and walk around until the discomfort passed.

Learnings hard!

I had my first session back lifting weights. I just did my front squats with the bar (45lbs).  My gawds, the difference in my mobility is amazing without my massive gut in the way.  Felt solid.  Just did 3 sets of 5 squats.  I could already feel it after that.  Tomorrow morning is another date with my bike.  30mins this time. Need to get going and help my body get rid of the fat.

Tomorrow is my first support group meeting for WLS people! I'm looking forward to it actually. Its going to be different, and I hope that its insirational, informative and that I get to meet some nice people.

Time for bed, reading, and sleep!

Yipes!

Many yipes today.

1. So, I thought that I was all healed up.

Well, that is mostly true. Whilst giving my belly a vigorous toweling off this morning, I re-opened my belly button incision!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YIPES!!!!!

I held a towel on it for a while to stop the bleeding, then tried to clean it out with q-tips (the belly button).  Its holding steady and I'm waiting to hear back from my surgeon about what to do.  It was open, deep to maybe a little less then a 1/4inch. Not too sure, but I could see in. Not far, but a good sized cut.

The bleeding has stopped now, but I'm super nervous now!!!!

**UPDATE**  Dr called - stuff belly button with gause, tape over. That should do it - be careful, if there are any other issues, call!  :)

2. Holding steady at 272.

No change for the first time in 2 weeks.   I was .... devastated, but calmly realistic.

I'm aiming for no excuses, but not beating myself up. I used to overeat all the time, its my default setting. That is why I got fat. I have to take these moments and learn from them.  I can and will learn, I already put it into practice.I had a good long talk with myself last night, and this morning. I have been overeating, past full with the sleeve since hitting the purred phase. Time to dial it back in.

So I threw out the pudding and the Ensures this morning. Step one completed!

I had 4oz greek yogurt this morning at 7:00.  At 10am, I made 1/2c canned crab (45cal/10protein), 1 queso laughing cow (35/2) and 2 eggs (156/12) all scrabbled up.  Ate half. The second half is in the fridge for later.  Very pleased. Step two completed.

Good job me.

4. Curious.... anyone else who has the surgery and incisions...

I have 2 on the left side, mid belly, quite close to each other. Around them I still have a lot of swelling - its like an inch father out around those two than anywhere else.  Anybody else experience this?   Does it finally go away. Am I beeing to optimistic, it has only been 2 weeks. 

Need to file that under "questions to ask as the next doctors appointment", of course, that could be later today!  

5. Work

So I was planning on starting back at work tomorrow, so this is a little monkey wrench in that plan. Might have to make it a half day.

Right, back to it. I had a huge list of things to get done pre-working full time, so I have to get hopping.  Its going to be a harder day with one hand on my belly botton!!