I am a terrible failure at weight loss

I am a terrible failure at weight loss.

I have been my whole life and so why would that change in my 40’s?  In letting go of trying to be “good at this” and accepting that I need more help (revision), I am doing myself a favor.   

 

I have already talked about how I don’t like to “blame” me for failing the sleeve, but the truth is that I did a lot of things wrong.  Stuff that I knew I shouldn’t be doing, but it was easy, familiar and comfortable.  I did a lot of good things, and I changed significantly, however, I want to take time to look at what I want to do now that I have more information and experience.

 

I have been seeing a lot of newly sleeved people doing things (that I also did) that lead to decreased weight loss. Specifically - Eating small quantities of shit food, and saying things to justify them. IAMGUILTY TOO....I used to say all of these things to make myself feel better about eating bagels, ice cream, chips, cookies, candy, etc. etc. 

• It’s just a little
• I still have to enjoy myself or what's the point
• I can’t eat anything else
• I can’t tolerate anything but carbs today
• Sugar is fine
• I’ll never have a life without being able to eat X (insert whatever food is your poison of choice)

 

These shitty foods feel good to MY brain, and in so…. I was willing to overeat more of those foods and damage my results because the BRAIN GOOD overrode the STOMACH BAD feelings. Overeating, overeating, overeating.  

 

The reward was worth the agony, and that agony lead me here.

- I can eat 3+ cups of food in a sitting.

- I can easily eat 3,000cal a day

I have learned a lot of things about the sleeve and bariatric surgery through trial and error, as many of us do.  I am one of many that has become obsessed with food in a completely different way from when I was super obese.

 

In the last few months while thinking about getting a revision, getting my consultation, check-ups, and now waiting on an approval and date for surgery - I have been introspectively looking at my behaviors and thinking about the corrections that I want to make this time with my revision:

 

1. Eat more “whole foods” in the puréed, mushy and beyond stages. 
- Eat less pre-packaged bars, cups of pudding or jello, easy soft carbs like oats and grits mixed with protein powder.
- I bought a blender to purée my own meats, I make my own soups now, and I’ll have a LOT more eggs in all its variety of forms. 


2. Stay off the Gawd Damn carbs.
- I went straight to bread as soon as humanly possible, but I had been eating oats, grits, and soft carbs like that for my soft and purred stages.


3. Better hydration. End of statement. 


4. Stop thinking of my new stomach size as a challenge.
- I used the sleeve as a challenge instead of a tool. How much can I get in there, instead of how much should/can I put in there. Be more mindful.


5. Eat slower. I'm still a wolfer instead of a chewer.



6. Take full advantage of the honeymoon period.
- Last time I thought the easy & fast weight loss would continue for(ever) or at least a year or more. It came to a quick halt after about 4 months.  Then I had another 8 months of slow losses, and then… stopped.


7. Exercise.
- I didn't do anything at all the first time. I bought a treadmill for this time around, walking more will happen and does happen now.


8. Forget what others think.
- First time around I worried about what people would think about my food portions so I was always trying to eat more to appear "normal".  
- Avoid eating out with co-workers, that is a big one.  Everyone wanted to eat with me and talk about my weight loss… ironic!  I spent entire meals trying to look “normal”, this is no longer a concern for me.  I’m busy and I bring my lunch.


9. Better meal planning.
- I was always good about getting in my protein, keep at it.
- Keep packing my lunches. Make more meals at home.


10. Set better goals!
- I was so excited to have lost even 30lbs that I didn't care if I ever lost another pound again. That changed!!


11. Stay away from dessert longer.
- I always followed up meals with a spoonful of whatever was for dessert, and stating that “one spoonful can’t hurt, look at how good I’m doing etc”.
- Food will always be there – so no need to eat dessert every night. 

60 lb Goal

This morning was a very happy surprise.  Gold Star Happy!

Weigh in : 241.2



That is 59.8lbs lost... so, between you and me..... let's just call that 60!!  :)

60 Fraking Pounds!!!!!





I would also like to note - mostly for myself, that I really believe that I can attribute my loss at the end of this month to my water intake finally increasing again.

It is so damn important to get the water in.  I'm feeling better, I look better, I have better movements and more regular(!!), and I find that I'm not eating as much.  I was actually eating when I was thirsty.  Now I make sure that I take water with me ever where.

I've been doing other things right too, and got back on top of being very strick with my WLS directions:

1. no drinking with meals
2. stop eating when I'm full (this is a HARD one for me who is a classic stuffer, think.... wolf gulping food down at a kill)
3. More Protein

:)  Tamzin, keep at it and before long you will be in the 230's.!! 

I also spent some time reading through all my monthly and bi-monthly reports.  Its good reading for me, look back, see what I was thinking, what has changed, how I feel, how I felt. 

I remember distinctly being 231lbs in college, and one of the mens athletic team (that I was a member of the womens section) bothering me about it. It will be unreal to be back down there.  The lowest adult weight I remember was when I was 25.  I was 195lbs for about a week, but that was serious starvation dieting for an event and a dress that I had bought...

Its very exciting to think about getting down to that weight.  I already look so different, its going to be very interesting! 

In fact, I'm at the office this morning getting a few hours of work in, and we have a brunch date at 10:30with friends I have not seen in 5 months.  They are going to freak out.  I'm kind of looking forward to it.

55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner

This mornings weigh-in saw me hit another milestone.  55pounds lost.   Wow, that one snuck up on me.

And the average 5,000 BTU Air condition (window unit) is around 55lbs.  Wow.  That's a sizable chunk of weight.

I was going to post a picture of a 55lb fish, but really, I got caught up (teehee I'm punny) looking at fish pictures, and then thought, that I don't want some poor man to be all... OMG there is some fat chick with my fish on her blog.  So, should you want some entertainment, plug into google the weight you lost, with fish after it and be prepared to be IMPRESSED with the size of these things.

KerBoom!

Another milestone fell this morning.

Weigh in 249.6

I'm under 250.  There is just something about 250lbs that sounds (to me) to be the threshold for largeness.  "Normals", i.e. people who have never had a weight problem, see that number as the over/under. The officially fat number.  

It was certainly one of those numbers that defeated me on the way up.  Over 250lbs, I was crushed. I have fought with that number for ages.  

Yesterday one of my co-workers commented on how I was half the size and looked great!  I talked with her a bit about how that morning I had hit my -50lb goal and that I had another 50 to go. She could NOT BELIEVE that I could lose another 50.  “oh no, don’t do that you will be too skinny”.  I didn’t divulge my actual weight to her, but if I had, I bet that would have changed her opinion. Her opinion about it all in fact – her opinion that I look good, that I’m small enough and don’t have a lot more weight to lose. 

So, I’m finally here in my weight loss - the magical place where people who know you think that you are finally just small enough and are starting to think that you should call it off and stay where you are. Of course, my previous size is an illusion, I do look smaller, but I’m far from normal sized.  It’s the illusion from going from so big, to smaller. 

So I’ll take that compliment and move on.  Damn it I’m happy today. Under 250lbs is a great feeling.

February 2013 Recap (GOAL!!!)

February, the longest-shortest month of the year.

It was a really hard one for me. Really hard. If I could sum this month up in a word, that word is STRESS.  However As of TODAY....

I finally hit my next major milestone. -50lbs!!   *SOUNDS THE TRUMPETS*  

Weigh In this morning was 251lbs.  This means that I ended Feb just like I did in Jan – with another new low.  YAY!   That has put the happy back in my step after a long and horrible month. 

The numbers:

Jan 31 - 253.2
Feb 1 - 252.8
Feb 2 - 253.8
Feb 3 - 253.6
Feb 4 - 252.8
Feb 5 - 252.4
Feb 6 - 252.6
Feb 7 - 252.8
Feb 8 - 252.2
Feb 9 - 252.2
Feb 10 - 252.4
Feb 11 - 253.8
Feb 12 - 253.4
Feb 13 - 253.8
Feb 14 - 252.6
Feb 15 - 252.6
Feb 16 - 252.2
Feb 18 - 252.0
Feb 19 - 251.4
Feb 20 - 251.4
Feb 21 - 252.2
Feb 22 - 252.2
Feb 25 - 252.6
Feb 26 - 252.8
Feb 27 - 251.8

Feb 28 – 251.0

Pounds lost in Feb – 2.2

Pounds lost Overall – 50

While I’m not particularly impressed with my numbers this month -  2.2lbs is more along the lines of what I have lost in a week.  I’m still pleased that I did it. It was difficult to stay positive, and to keep going, but I did. 

I went to yoga last night, I didn’t want to, I had a million excuses that I let roll around as I got changed, grabbed water and got in the car.  It was hard, but I need to keep at it.  Its good practice to make myself do something that I don’t want to.

February has been a month of struggles, so I guess it taught me that I can make it though anything if I take it a step at a time!

GOAL! -45lbs (down 15%)

Weigh-in this morning: 256.0

Wow!  I really didn't expect to lose again this morning, but I'm NOT complaining!  :)  I've been managing my water and food and staying on track!

I was up early and dressed to go to my volunteer orientation at Dress for Success.  I'm so impressed with their organization, I can't wait to come back and do more.  I was really happy to spend the morning focusing on others instead of myself.

Weigh loss is really an inward focused activity, not that it isn't needed, however it was nice to hit a goal weight, then spend the better part of 2 hours thinking about the difference that I could make in other peoples lives.

So, here is my day, such a great way to start a weekend - 15% of my body weight is gone.  45lbs. 

Today is the 12th - so 3 days from my 3 month sleeversary - I'm doing pretty damn good if I do say so myself! 

Constant Vigilance

Well - the end of the year is coming to a close. I was looking on my calendar at the office and noticed that I had "258" in there for Jan 1.

I'm so close!!   :)  

I've been really bad with water again.  I can really feel it when I wake up in the mornings... mouth so dry!!   So I need to get on top of that again.   Constant Vigilance!!  Always be sipping!

I like to slip in as much "nerd" as possible into my posts! haha

So I've been snacking lots, and doing no food tracking. I think that is the main reason for my last few week of stalled weight loss.  That, and the lack of water and exercise.  

Its about come to the time... my body has shed off the first massive push of fat. Now I'm more functional, happier and the weight loss has leveled out.  Time to get serious again about tracking and monitoring myself to get another 40 off by the end of the summer. I'm aiming for losing 5 - 10lbs a month.  This month its going to be closer to 5 then 10.

Weigh In today: 259.8

GOAL!!!!!!!

Well this mornings weigh in was a big surprise!   260.6  HELL YA!

Down: 40.4lbs

This morning my size 20 work pants are so loose, that I had to roll the band down to make them a little tighter!  These were "just right" a couple weeks ago.

damn... 40lbs!!!


Side note: I got my Big Train Chai Tea protein powder mix and their sample pack last night. Husbest and I had a hot chai tea drink last night for dinner.  It was AMAZING!  The Husbeast could NOT believe that it was protein powder. "This is the best protein drink I've ever had".  Direct quote from a man that has had a lot of protein.  I already told my boss about it, she is going to LOVE it! 

I'm also going to take some with me on the airplane tonight in a mug, so that I can have the flight attendant just add hot water and I get an awesome hot protein dinner in flight.  I'm very pleased. Very Pleased!  

Next Goal in Sight

I'm 1 pound away from my next goal - Losing 40lbs.  

This morning I weighed in at 262, that is 39lbs down today.  Wow.  Still can not believe how great it feels to be carrying that much less weight.  

I had a personal goal of hitting 262 by my trip to Vancouver, so that goal is done! I leave tomorrow night, so that leaves me one more weight-in tomorrow morning before I get a few days off the scale while I go visiting. I don't think that I will hit the full 261 by tomorrow morning, I've had a few days of biggish loses, so maybe tomorrow I might go down .2 or .4lbs.  But I should be back from vacation and be there. 

I'm super excited!  I mean, how many times have I come back from a vacation and been lighter... I'm going to go out on a limb and say never.

Tonight... I need to start packing, wrap up the Christmas gifts, and get a new book downloaded onto the nook so that I can have some good reading time to myself in the airports and plane.  I LOVE getting buried in a book for 4 hours straight with no distractions.  Bliss.

Goal: lost 35lbs

I made my second weight goal today!!!!

Weigh in this morning: 264.8

I'm officially down 35lbs.   I'll have to try and take some pictures (you know, the ones I'm not sharing yet!), so that I can look and see how far I've come.

Today at work I'm wearing a sweater that I've owned for 4 years and never worn... and tomorrow night is our office Christmas party and I have a blouse that is the same (well I wore it once, but I really shouldn't have).

Happy day!!!

So Close.....

I'm so close to my next weight goal!!!

-35lbs... will be at 265.  This morning I weighted in at 265.2!  

More water has really been helping out.   I was thinking back to my early November weight struggles, and now, I'm glad that I just keep on going and didn't focus too much on the up and down and just kept on track.

More of the same for December.

Down!! 10% goal!!!!

Jumped up on the old scale this morning and BOOM! 271.

I've lost 30lbs. Wow! Hit my 10% of body weight gone. Woot!

Happily, I already have a pedi planned for today. Bonus pampering for me. :) it's good to find other things to reward myself with, other than food!