20% - is that good enough?

So a couple of my favorite bloggers, Sheila at This One Body and Linda Sherwood: Fat Mans Daughter (both of whom I admire for their efforts, results, and candor) have posted this week about the realistic side of WLS, loss percentages and expectations.

If you have not read the blog post by Sheila, you should go and do that now.

I've had a couple of tough days of introspection and rumination on this topic.

Here are my stats:

Starting WLS weight: 301lbs

Current weight: waffling between 238 - 241

% total bodyweight lost – 20%

Average for WLS 20% – 30%

This is what I though yesterday morning - while struggling: 

So I have lost 20% and have been at this stage for the better part of three months.  This begs the question. Have I done losing weight with my surgical assistance? 

Do I now have to go back to good old fashioned self-control, exercise, and decision making?  Because, that's why I was 300+ pounds. I don't have any of those skills.

I can’t say that I’m making good choices all the time.  I’m over stressed, over tired, and unhappy with my workload and life.  I know that all these things are temporary, but then again… it always seems that I solve one issue and three more crop up.  

When am I going to have time for the gym again?  When am I going to make time for the gym again?  When am I going to start paying attention to my food again?  Why do I feel the need to eat as much as possible at every opportunity.  Granted, the surgery has limited it greatly – the reason for the WL and the last three months of maintaining a 60lbs loss.   But how long is that going to be true if I don't keep working at this???!

Am I weak minded, sick, mental, stupid, incapable?   Sadly, these are all the same questions that I used to ask myself at 300+lbs.   It’s been said before and said again – WLS does not fix your head. I guess, I need to fix my head.  I feel bad about myself, my efforts, my abilities.

When I hit the 260’s I wrote that if I never lost another pound I would still be happy to have had the surgery and it was all worth it.   But now…I don’t feel happy and satisfied with my body.  Is it time passed. I think I’ve already forgotten what it is like to be over 300lbs. Life was horrible, hard, and everything was 100x more difficult.

Old familiar patterns are back – just in smaller quantities. Eating to overfull, seeking sugars and carbs, making excuses for my behaviors. Seeking comfort in food even though it actually doesn't provide comfort.  

 

I’m not pleased. Is it that I’m not able to make changes?  I am sitting at my desk thinking about getting a bag of chips and coke for my lunch. I AM NOT EVEN HUNGRY.   Today is not a good day – today I feel pathetic.

 

So I struggle all day yesterday: but decided that I had to start getting tough on myself.  WHY did I want chips and chocolate. WHY did I want to take the easy route. Why wasn't I satisfied. Why aren't I valuing myself more.

 

So I didn't get chips, or chocolate.  I did drink half a can of diet coke.  I didn't get enough water, but I started challenging myself.

 

I told my Husband that I need to up the protein again and get off the refined carbs that I'v been relying on.  I told him to stop buying little ice creams for the house. I told him that the Belvia breakfast cookie, were not a great idea for me.

 

This morning I had an egg, a slice of turkey lunch meat and a slice of cheese scrambled.  No sugary yogurt.  Small steps, small steps. I don't want to be done at 238/240.  I don't want to be 175 either.  But I really REALLY would like to get down to 200, or 195 and see if that weight is going to be sustainable. 

195lbs would be 30% loss for me. Still within the "average".

 

Maybe, there is no weight that I'll ever be happy with my body at. I don't know.  But I do know, that I'm not happy now, so the only thing that I can do is start working at it again.  No matter how much I don't want to put in the effort.